High school is pretty much everyone's personal Hell. Back then, I was busy, passionate, tired, and well... pretty much the same as I am now. Except, since then I've grown so much (as one does in college).
A few days ago I was thinking about how my high school self never would have believed that she'd be living in New York City through a global pandemic. If I could go back and tell her that, she'd probably pencil it into her planner and try to plan her life around it (after all, I am a Virgo). That got me thinking... what else would I tell my high school self? Would I react well to it?
So, here are some things I would try to tell my past self and some commentary on what it all really means. For a fun bonus, I included a ton of throwback pictures, most of which are kinda cringe-worthy.
1. It’s okay that you’re taking everything so seriously.
I feel like most people would say the opposite to their high school self, but I’m proud of the drive and maturity that I exhibited in high school. Those around me always thought I was crazy for creating a resume at 16 or for caring so much about local politics. I was always working extra hard on homework and genuinely cared about the affairs in my school and how policies served our student population. I guess that’s probably why I ended up as Student Council President. I think taking things seriously when I was younger helped me learn how to balance work and pleasure in college while others struggled.
2. One Direction’s “18-month Hiatus” will not be 18 months.
Yes, I still cry about this. I remember the day Zayn left so vividly and I can recall the looks on passersby faces as I sobbed in the hallway. So, yeah… One Direction is a band of liars and in Junior year of college when #OneDirection2020 starts trending on Twitter, you WILL start budgeting for a reunion world tour that hasn’t even been confirmed and probably won’t happen, but… just in case.
3. Not all of your friends will have good intentions.
They’re still your friends, though, so treat them with the kindness that you wish they’d show you. It still hurts a lot to think about the friend who randomly stopped talking to you, spread rumors about you, and then a few weeks later walked up to you to tell you the whole thing was a social experiment. (It’s actually called manipulation, by the way.) But even the friends who weren’t as explicitly manipulative or toxic will reveal themselves to have had some pretty bad intentions. Your freshman year of college you’ll distance yourself from them for a while and for the first time in a long time you’ll be able to see yourself clearly.
4. There’s no shame in caring about your social media presence.
I don’t know at what point in my life I learned that caring about social media or makeup was too girly, but that mentality really ate away at me. But the tables have turned and now I work multiple online jobs, including social media marketing. While there’s no shame in it, it’s also important to stop judging your popularity based on your follower count. In fact, just stop judging your own popularity: being popular isn't a good thing or a bad thing. In fact, I'm not even really sure popularity is real because outside of high school, literally, no one cares. Come off your high horse and stop acting like you're superior for your status (or lack thereof): it doesn't matter.
5. No one is built for New York. Instead, New York builds you.
My time in high school can be defined as my time being busy with school or extracurriculars and my time daydreaming about my next trip to New York. Now that I actually live here full time, I’ve learned so much. Whenever I would tell people that I wanted to move to New York City, they’d always tell me that I was built like a city girl. I wasn’t, though, I was built like a small-to-medium-sized town girl because that’s where I grew up. The truth is, New York builds you. You can have all the tenacity and drive in the world, but New York will still grind you down just to piece you back together. There are days where you’ll feel alone surrounded by strangers and days where you’ll look at the skyline and feel whole. You’ll realize, though, that those feelings are something that four years ago you never would have been able to comprehend because you weren’t ready to feel them. New York made you ready for every moment of misery and peace thrown your way. (Hell, you’re even surviving through a global pandemic in this city… who saw that one coming?)
6. Savor those late-night drives with friends.
Hazy late spring nights on the West Hanover backroads hold a strange type of magic to them. Pulling up to a blurry stoplight as the song on the stereo changes to whatever indie artist you’re obsessed with that week seems to draw out every emotion you bundle up. While I hate driving, I do love car rides. Now, it seems the only car rides I get are taking an Uber because I’m late and the trains are just not running reliably. One of the things I do miss about my high school days is driving my Honda Civic out to a random parking lot, sitting with my best friend late at night as a thunderstorm looms over us, and just confessing everything that is going wrong while we feel safely snuggled in the worn-down seats. Savor that feeling of finding solace in a town you feel broken by.
7. You truly never outgrow your emo phase.
Thankfully your mom never really questioned when you played “Knives and Pens” by Black Veil Brides on repeat that one summer or when added rips to your nylon leggings to look edgy at your first Panic! at the Disco concert, but you still judged your self. I’m here to inform you: it was certainly not a phase. One day, you’ll be crowd surfing to State Champs at Sad Summer Fest and catch a glimpse of the Brooklyn Bridge as you get tossed over the barricade to security… it was rather fulfilling.
8. Your writing will amount to something… keep doing it.
That first time you interviewed a band in a grimy green room at The Fillmore felt so surreal, but as time goes on that will become the norm. Never give up on your writing. It may just be the one constant in my life because no one can take it away from me. However, I think most writers fear that their words will be worthless. In this case, they're not. From being guest listed to shows in London to interning at TigerBeat, your passion for writing will propel you forward, you’ll see.
9. Passion will manifest in different ways over time, that’s okay.
2016 really broke me down. Some know the story, but most do not. That year my perspective changed so much. That summer will always haunt me and can make some of the things I once felt so passionate about seem so triggering and hard to reach. For a while, I felt that I lost my passion. What I learned is that passion is flexible and it’s okay that it changes over time. In this case, I just think it’s changed, for the time being, giving me space to breathe before I return. Does this cause doubt? Absolutely, but who doesn’t have doubts in life?
10. Take everything you know about “being a sorority girl” and throw it away.
When I first joined Kappa Delta Sorority, I heard through the grapevine that people from high school were saying some pretty nasty stuff about the fact that I went Greek. That didn’t sit right with me at all. I heard time and time again that I just didn’t seem like a sorority girl. Eventually, that made me wonder why we try to push girls into boxes so often. Eventually, I learned that being a sorority girl is not what media makes it out to be, but also I’m not who people in high school seem to think I am. The truth is, who they think they knew was just a daily mask I wore and I’ve never felt like I was able to be more myself than when I joined Kappa Delta.
11. All those concerts you go to will take you on some pretty wild adventures; get ready.
In high school, I was jokingly dubbed “concert queen” among friends. I found my true happy place to be among a crowd screaming the lyrics to my favorite song. In college, I’m meeting my best friends in line for shows and going on the craziest road trips. You’ll find that peace transfers to everyday life, too. The people you meet and the places you go will become so common in your daily life. You'll finally learn what it means to treat yourself and make yourself happy just for the sake of happiness. And you'll have a strong, supportive group of friends around you to help you at every step. There will always be another show to pitch a tent for and another band to follow across the country. Your love for music will always grow and develop. Keep it up.
12. Try to leave a positive impact behind in every small thing you do.
You’re already doing this, but keep it up. Your mentoring of those younger than you matters and one day you’ll realize that those small acts of kindness make a bigger impact than you’ll ever know. It may be a while before Harry Styles coins “Treat People With Kindness”, but implementing that into your life will change the very way you operate. Those meetings with your school principal where you strongly advocate on what others would believe to be minimal issues, matter. It takes time for change to happen and you won’t reap the benefits, but someone’s gotta start it.
13. You’re always going to be tired, but for some reason, it’s different now.
Taking endless AP classes and pushing yourself through infinite extracurriculars really will wear you down and it’s simply not healthy. Except, I know no matter what anyone says, you won’t stop. You’re working hard thinking that in college you’ll get some peace and rest and maybe won’t have such bad bags under your eyes. The truth is, yes, the bags under your eyes will disappear, but only because you put more time into skincare and invest in a caffeine undereye serum. However, you’re still going to be tired, but now it feels like your exhaustion is on your own accord, giving you so much more control. College is all about choice and, now, you’re happy with your tiredness.
14. You’ll be okay, but it’s ok to not be ok.
Looking back on my growth has reminded me that I can withstand pretty much anything. Life is looking pretty grim right now during COVID. To get through all my hardships in life, I've kept the following mantra pretty close: "This will pass like the weather." So, thank you Moose Blood for giving me that beautiful lyric and thank you to everyone (good and bad) who has shaped me into who I am today.
until next time! xo alex